My want song
My want song has slipped into a whisper
As life continues to beat me down
I dared to desire more than what was offered to me
And now I’m crying endlessly.
Wishing I had never got to see
what I could be and who I could be.
I wish I had never had the audacity to think it could be me.
Maybe if I accept that the life I want will only ever be fiction.
I will be more willing to settle for what has come in.
Insane
Naked in the streets of Valencia
A Hail Mary that I don’t know.
The queen has lost her clothes
and has lost her mind.
What is left of her dignity?
Her crown is gone. They stole her home
Because to them, suffering is the point.
Being joyful..
That makes you insane.
It’s the reason she doesn’t want to be perceived.
The reason why she doesn't want people to have opinions or beliefs about her.
Look what they did to Jesus, for daring to believe
that GOD cares and is active in our realities.
That notion is clearly insanity.
Take the abuse.
That’s your only use.
It’s why you were made.
Not wanting that …
Well, that would be insane.
Psychosis
Chest, arms, and legs bound in a hospital bed.
Yet another crucible, wishing I were dead.
A snack and a nap aren’t enough.
I want revenge.
I want their heads on a spike.
The bruise on my arm, from the restraints that were too tight.
Is a reminder that things are not alright.
Fight demons all night.
trying not to cry.
Test my thyroid hormone levels!
This isn’t normal for me.
My intelligence is all I have.
I’m smart, not pretty.
My faith is waning in the waiting
What’s the cure for autoimmune disease?
Psychosis has burned all my bridges
There is nothing to go back to.
But I’m too crazy to start anew.
What is there to do?
Hoping the work I put in is enough to open a door
of opportunity for me.
It’s still a wait-and-see
How long can you go without going crazy?
What’s the point
I count each breath as joy,
But maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe each breath is grief,
and it’s time to release,
hoping for something different.
One more date
one more job application
one more poem
one more drawing
each additional moment of rejection weighs heavily
on the shoulders that already carry so much.
No good deed goes unpunished, no kindness returned in love.
No point in trying, no point in getting up.
Sometimes I think I’m not meant for a world like this,
one where there is no safety, where there is no love..
i’m so tired.
I hold my breath, hoping I will pass out.
I bang my head against the wall,
hoping I can knock some sense into myself.
I hear them saying,
Go back to teaching.
You’re not good at this.
You’re really good with dogs and kids.
Be the servant that you once were.
No one wants your leadership.
You can’t even lead yourself.
Look at your judgment.
The men you choose abuse and use,
And yet you still want to date them?
The jobs you apply to abuse you, too,
telling you that you’re incapable
and then continuing to profit from the work you do.
Why don’t you just lie down and die?
What is the point in continuing to try?
Ambition is a lie.
I’m tired.
Did you love me too?
I go over that marriage in my head
with a fine-tooth comb, over and over again.
I couldn’t see what was happening to me in real time.
I loved you; you were mine.
I was focused on being the best wife I could be
I got no reciprocity.
Then I started focusing on healing me.
Maybe if I am better.
If I show him how I want to be treated.
If I clearly express my expectations
Maybe things will change.
But they never did.
And I came to terms with it,
packed your things, and ended it
3 years later, your lawyers are still in my inbox.
I hate you.
I used to love you, but you didn’t love me too.
We broke up two years ago
And I still can’t get over you
even though you were never in it with me.
The breadcrumbs you offered a starving girl from a distance
was all I would receive.
And even when I was with you…
with my heart on my sleeve
You held me at arm’s length.
swatting away my affection
telling me, it will end.
”I’m reading your book”. You say to me.
My hopes are up again.
Then I remember my marriage.
Promises made, were promises broken.
I won’t let you break my heart again.
I don’t want to be friends.
I don’t want to witness you breaking me down
until I settle for the crumbs you are offering.
Cause I was offering you everything.
I loved you. But you didn’t love me too.
No more bait and switch.
After years as your dirty little secret.
”We can start in two years”, you would say.
“I told him I was your fiancée,” you explained
, but you aren’t.
You are a man who said
You never want to live with a woman again,
You want an open relationship where I stay loyal to you,
Sleep with women for your entertainment,
And you, you do what you want.
I loved you, but you couldn’t love me too.
Poor Judgement
You have poor judgment.
Who wants a woman like that at the helm of their lives?
His voice rings in your head.
stupid, useless, lazy, disgusting
book smart but not street smart, too trusting.
You have no friends.
No one wants you around.
You don’t even want you around.
Your body is breaking down.
All the effort you made to lose weight was lost in 1 month.
self-sabotage.
Even the game maker hates you.
Look what he allows to happen to you.
rape, abuse, assault, theft, autoimmune disease
PTSD, and psychosis to boot.
Even the game maker doesn’t want you.
Why would you expect that I would love you?